Botia Macracantha (botia) wrote in pet_store,
Botia Macracantha

Oh, the things I hear at work. Stupid stupid people. These are actual things I've heard, MOST of them more than once. Many of them on a weekly basis.

"Sir, your pH is too low."
"But my water's crystal clear!"

"Ma'am, your water has a lot of nitrite in it."
"That's not possible, it's crystal clear."
"Yes, but you can't see nitrite, this test shows that it's very high."
"My water ain't PINK like that, though!"
"Yes, the TEST shows up pink if there is nitrite."
"But I don't see anything floating around in the water! It's CLEAR, I told you!"
"Ma'am, nitrite is very, very small, so you cannot see it with your eyes. I put these special drops into the water, and if there is nitrite, the drops make the water turn pink so that we can tell it's there."
"OH! Well, why didn't you say so?!"

"I want some of these neon fish. My last neon fish disappeared."
"What other fish do you already have?"
"I gots a OSCAR!"

"Can you test this water sample for ich?"
"Sure, we've got a microbiology laboratory right in the back room. Or, maybe we don't. No, we can't do that."

For the sixth time that day:
*pounding on door, which is locked, with blinds drawn, sign showing "CLOSED"*
*worker (me) peeking through blinds to see if it's a delivery or coworker*
"YES, that's why it says CLOSED!" (Yes, I said that, I'd HAD IT at that point)

"Is your tank fresh or salt water?"
Several answers from various sources:
"I don't know."
"Hell, I don't know, it's my boyfriend's tank."
"Neither." (and no, they didn't have brackish, they were just clueless)

*pointing to tank of mostly barbs and loaches* "We can't have these, they're SALTwater!"

"Will this Nemo fish fight with my goldfish?"

"Is that a seahorse? I thought they weren't real!" (seriously)

*bursts into store, acting like they own the place and are very important*
"Show me your CHEAPEST fish!"
"These goldfish are 5/$1.00..."

"Will that oscar go okay with my guppies?"
"No, sorry, the oscar will eat the guppies."

"Show me the fish that eats the poop."

"When was the last time you did a water change?"
Various answers:
"I just fill it up when it evaporates."
"I don't have to do water changes, I have a PICOSSMUSS!"
"I change out two percent every six months." (Or some other ridiculously small amount with ridiculous infrequency.)
"It's too much work."
"I took the fish out, boiled the gravel, and scrubbed out the filter and tank with soap and water two days ago."
"I don't change my water because I don't like getting water in my mouth when I start the siphon." *shows them method without sucking on tube* "OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN GETTING FISH WATER IN MY MOUTH THIS WHOLE TIME FOR NO REASON?!?!?!"

"Where are your allergy eaters?"
(I wish I knew...I could use one of those...)

"I need some feeders."
Sometimes I ask them what kind and how many, but sometimes I make them figure it out themselves that I NEED THAT INFO. I don't go to a drive through and say, "Give me a drink." I say, "I need a large Mountain Dew."

"I need some feeders."
"What kind and how many?"
"I don't know, what do you think?"
"Uh, you want me to just give you a random type and amount however I see fit?" (yes, I actually said this to him, he was good natured)
So I DID. And he was happy.

"I need the SMALL feeders."
*nets out some feeder guppies*
"NOT THOSE! I WANT THESE ONES!" (pointing to goldfish, our LARGEST feeder fish species)

"I need the small feeders."
"Show me which ones you're talking about."
"YOU KNOW, the SMALL ones!"
*gets out guppies*
"NOT THOSE! These other ones!" *points to rosy reds*

"Oh my god you touched a FISH! How can you touch a fish?!"

"Aren't you afraid they're going to bite you?" (Neon tetra tank)

"Oh my god, that fish is pooping! I didn't know fish pooped!"

"That fish is dead."
"No, it's a goby, they sometimes just sit there."
"No, look, his gills are moving."
"I am telling you, it's DEAD! GROSS!"
*sighs and reaches into tank to annoy fish into moving, which, being alive, it does*
*customer screams*

"I need something to soak my nets in so the fish don't catch diseases from each other."
"Well, if you don't have a lot of tanks, you can have a dedicated net for each tank, which is cheaper and less work in the long run. Nets are $3 each, the solutions are usually $6-8 a bottle."
"But I only have one tank, so how would that work?"
Gee, that's a difficult one.

"Do you have any kittens?"
"Sorry, we don't sell any mammals."
"Oh, okay, do you have any hamsters?"
Yes we do, and they are great tankmates for neon tetras!

"I need a filter cartridge."
"What kind of filter do you have?"
"I don't know."
"What does your filter look like?"
"I don't know."
" many gallons is your tank?" (if we sold the kit, we can figure it out from the tank size)
"I don't know."
"Can you show me with your hands how wide the tank is?"
"I don't know."
"Who's your daddy?"
"I don't know."
(last two lines made up ... :))

*phone call* "I have a fish that outgrew my tank, can I bring it in?"
"What kind is it, and how big is it?"
"I don't know, it's kind of yellow, with stripes, and it's about three inches long."
"Okay, bring it over, we can identify it."
*customer shows up with 12"+ oscar or pacu in a bucket*

"We'll get a bigger tank when it grows."
"I did a water change just yesterday!"
"I didn't SEE anyone picking on that fish." (Spontaneous shredded fin syndrome, very mysterious, very common. Related to Spontaneous missing head syndrome.)
"I have a heater."
"I have a filter."
And, last but CERTAINLY not least, "NO, I AM NOT OVERFEEDING!"
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